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We’ve all been there, guys. “Are you even listening to me? You didn’t hear a word I said, did you?”
Shit. How the hell did I get here, to this point? Last thing I remember was Jay Cutler rolling out of the pocket, suddenly there’s been an interception and I’m in the dog house…0/2. After a good deal of research and real-life trial and error, I can tell you how you get from “Deep bomb down the right sideline!” to “Why don’t you just marry the fucking TV!?” in a heartbeat.
Staring aimlessly into the face of our wife, girlfriend, mom or other female figure as they dish out a list of tasks or instructions is never easy and the result is inevitable. Out of the 3 minutes, or roughly 120 words that were spoken to us we come away comprehending maybe 14, or 30 seconds worth. This has been called selective hearing, but that assumes that we have heard and understood everything, choosing to act on what we want to. I like to call this phenomenon the Man Filter. A man’s attention span can only handle so much. Watching the game, managing the remote and keeping the potato chip bag balanced on your stomach requires an incredible amount of focus, not to mention the constant distraction of the fantasy stats counter in your head. Expecting us to retain anything during this time is absurd, but in order to figure out how to circumvent the Man Filter you need to understand how it works.
The Man Filter exists before that part of the brain that separates information regarding sports, work and home life and places them into the appropriate category. Problem is, it’s incredibly flawed. For example, a sentence like “I need you to go to the store and pick up some milk. Leave at half-time of the game and go to the store by that bar – they have it on sale” reaches our ears, is picked apart by the Man Filter and enters our brain as, “Go to the bar during half-time to watch the rest of the game, bring home beer.” A toiletry run can end in disaster when “Can you stop watching TV and go get some toilet paper? Both bathrooms are almost out” ends up sounding to us like “We can really use a TV in both bathrooms.” When we come back from Best Buy with a flat screen, a smile and are reprimanded like a puppy who just crapped in your makeup bag, excuse us for being terribly confused.
It’s not our fault, ladies, the Man Filter is meticulous and cruel. It doesn’t stop at tasks though, it infringes on everything including attempts to convey future plans to us. Have you ever wondered why your boyfriend/husband/son has no idea whatsoever of the day’s plans? I’ll tell you why. The Man Filter picks out those words or phrases it wants to hear and fills in the rest to create situations much more enjoyable than what is actually happening. The words highlighted in red indicate those that are heard/retained. Follow along:
You say: Next weekend we’re having people over, we need to clean the house, make sure you get some beer and snacks.
We hear: Next weekend we’re having people over, I’ll clean the house, you get beer.
It would behoove you to stay away from giving us 2 different plans for 2 separate occasions, it will not end well.
You say: Friday night we’re meeting people downtown, try to leave work early so we’re not late and can you bring my blue jacket? Saturday we need to be at the birthday party by 10am, we should clean the house a little bit before we leave so please don’t stay up all night playing Madden.
We Hear: Friday leave work early, I’ll clean the house and you can party all night and play Madden.
There’s nothing we can do about it, you’re only hope to get the majority of our attention is to start writing for Sports Illustrated and put the shopping lists and plans in your column. The human body uses blood to assist in a number of functions such as the brain, extremities, penis and Man Filter. Problem is, there’s only enough to operate one at a time. So the next time you’re giving your man a set of instructions and he’s staring blankly, eyes glazed over… I’m sorry but the Man Filter is at work, and you’ve already lost.
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
Funny stuff
) I can already see this happening with my little boy. We still love you, men!
Go figure. Men WOULD come up with an disorder to explain why they don’t listen!
Woa, woa. This is no laughing matter. This is a serious disorder we’re talking about here.
I have a few comments to make. I agree that things have changed to a role where the woman like to come in and tell us what we need to do to make their lives easier. I how ever want to say that at least in my case it is different and yes very much intentionally so.
I was married for ten years to this cancerous tumor of a woman. We can call her “T”! She was a very chemically imbalanced woman, she was also very big and VERY LAZY! she would sit in the same spot either on the couch, on the computer, or in the bed up a flight of stairs. she was so tuned in on my whereabouts in the house it must have used up her entire energy stores for the night to yell for me to bring her a pop, a sandwich, or to go to the store and get ice cream. Granted she was a big girl but even before I mandated that she get a job she was so exhausted that she would bark (in a fashion similar to a dog except she could form syllables) orders out all night for me to get done. this is between my two jobs. She had me: cleaning cooking, doing laundry, maintaining the lawn, working on the cars. I Began to harness this Man Filter if you will. Jason I need the house clean and the lawn mowed by the time I get home and you should be able to do the laundry by bed time (1:30 – 2:00 AM) I became a master of completing the first task, it seemed to stay planted and I could not get The filter to remove the memory of the first task. Then one night in October (chilly in Ohio) A task of all tasks was given. simple to accomplish would have in other circumstances been carried out with ease. ” Jason, why are you in bed? did you go to the store? I told you I was out of pop.” now at 300lbs and a mere five feet tal she was not going to wither and die by morning with out a Diet Mountain Dew. needless to say I was naked at the time snuggled under a warm blanket with a ceiling fan blowing my cares gently away as I was drifting peacefully in to a slumber. “Make sure you get me some ice cream too.” That was all it took my man filter did something right then, something special it grew two whole sizes in that very instant. From that night on I took care of the things I needed to do and left the rest. The point to all this is that we are not born with a man filter, no, no, they are developed due to insane women. Thanks T I still hear your loud heavy foot steps haunting me in my dreams. My new girlfriend is great and helps reduce the man filter, we are working on it.
Jason
hahaha, I like your angle but all of the women in my life have been wonderful, including my wife. My Man Filter remains hard at work, though. I don’t know if it can ever be understood, only attempted to be excused for.
Can you come to my house and help me understand what my husband hears. I had a feeling that the fantasy stats thing was clicking over in his head and now this confirms it. Funny stuff!!
If you give me an example of what you told him I will do my best to translate.
Nick – The Man Filter Whisperer.
I see a TV show deal in my future.
Haha, this is hilarious. I need to show my girlfriend this and maybe she will understand me a little better.
It’s funny because it’s true.