Happy Valentines Day, bitches. Can you feel the excitement? Personally, I can’t wait to bump shoulders with 20 other guys looking at cards while we all carry on awkward small talk with each other about how long we waited to buy something. “I do this EVERY year!” “Oh man, you waited until the last minute too?! We’re so stupid, stupid guys, god, what a bunch of stupid typical guys we are! HARF HARF” Oh god, just thinking about it makes me want to stuff one of those musical cards down some body’s throat so I can punch him in the stomach and dance to the Macarena.
Even though any flowers I buy will die within 45 seconds I get them anyway because I’m a good husband, damn it. Also – it should be noted that any woman who tells you she doesn’t want anything for Valentines Day is 100% full of complete shit. Even if she legitimately means it, she reeeaaally doesn’t. It’s a fucking war zone out there fellas, gotta keep your head on a swivel. Husbands, boyfriends, go ahead – give it a shot, don’t buy anything. Let me know how your next week goes. “Oh look, Mary posted a picture on Facebook of the flowers she got at work… how nice of John. I wish my husband wasn’t a thoughtless sack of shit.” Fuck you John, you’ve ruined it for everybody. You’re THAT guy. YOU’RE the reason today is wretched. Guys, don’t go too far out of your way today either. Aside from being a pointless holiday, there’s always some douchebag that will one-up you regardless of what you buy her. “Flowers… thanks hun…*sigh*” (You’ll find out later that her coworker had a love-gram or some other ridiculous shit delivered to her office, making you look like a pimple on the ass of Valentines Day gift-giving festivities).
Finally, to all the people with the bitchy statuses: “Valentines Day sucks! Singles club FTW!!” You’re not fooling anybody. Your transparency rivals that of a 4 year old lying about brushing his teeth. Enjoy watching The Notebook by yourself as you cry your way through a pint of ice cream. There’s nothing wrong with being single, but pseudo-complaining about it is a sure-fire tactic to make sure you stay that way forever. Quick insight into the male brain: Bitchy hardass = lesbian. Generally not the ticket to landing a boyfriend, just sayin’.
Enough with the god damn ‘Love Is’ cartoons and the like all over the internet. Aside from being inaccurate they’re just annoying. If I ever gave my wife a dandelion as a present we’d be rushing to the hospital to get an epinephrine shot so her allergies don’t kill her, not skipping down the fucking road happily ever after. Thanks, ‘Love Is’ cartoon, you can expect to hear from my lawyer after giving me garbage ass advice like that. Single women will never be happy because they think all guys should act like George Clooney or Brad Pitt.
Good luck with that, reserve a seat at the singles club for the next forever.
