Earlier this week we were told to prepare for warmer weather. “The temperatures will climb into the 40′s”, they said. If you live in the Midwest you know that 40 degrees is akin to frolicking on the fucking beach, so I prepared accordingly. Shorts, t-shirts, flip-flops, European man-thongs, executioners masks, tanning oil, all the regular stuff – it was all ready to go. Amidst an intensely fucked up dream, I vaguely remember hearing a scraping noise. I thought, “No way, this is get-a-tan week, they’re probably shoveling sand for beach volleyball tournaments” and I fell back asleep. Somewhere down the line I heard what sounded like a snow blower but again, we were on the cusp of Bikini Weekend, and if we had a storm coming that warranted the use of a snow blower the weathermen would surely have notified us of its impending havoc. Wrong.
I woke up late, showered and played air guitar in front of my mirror like I usually do only to look out the window and see that my backyard looked like the inside of Charlie Sheen’s briefcase. WHAT THE FUCK?! 40 degree weather, chance of rain suddenly became 100% chance of buried under snow, god-awful, soul-murdering commute to work. The quick switch to “Winter Weather Advisory” over night isn’t fooling anybody either, assholes. Last I checked it was windows-down weather, now it’s suddenly white-knuckle-terror weather? You know just as much about the impending weather as a house cat’s shit pebbles, admit it.
Which class do they teach you the "May or may not" part in? Eat shit
The only people that have less of an expectation to do their job correctly are the homeless. Honestly, weathermen, get fucked. I’d actually feel better if you just got up in front of the green screen and farted for 3 minutes, we’d come away with the same amount of information except we’d at least be entertained. I’d like to think that your job will eventually go the way of the check-out clerk, but I understand that the general public love to be scared – and if there’s ANYTHING that you do well, it’s scare the absolute shit out of people. Go away, weathermen, your accuracy rivals that of playing blindfolded darts and you’re about as useful as a queef.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
If I didn’t already know that you fabsolutely fucking hate snow even more than I do, I’d make the egotistical claim that my morning facebook status was your impetus for this rant.
gaaahhh! Absolutely!
It kind of did. I saw your post before actually looking outside. Once I saw what was going on it just put me over the edge