A perfectly executed voop
Saint Patrick’s day was yesterday, so I stayed in and watched sports on TV. I like getting drunk, I just don’t need a reason to do it. I WOULD go out on St. Patrick’s day but that means I would have to surround myself with haughty dipshit college kids, and they’re just the fucking worst. I can do without the trucker hats, popped collars, shamrock sunglasses and over-inflated sense of toughness. “But I’m not a college kid and I go out and get sloppy on St. Patrick’s Day.” Well that’s because you’re a douchebag. I’m sorry you had to hear it from me. They say that drinking only amplifies who you already are. So imagine a day where everybody wakes up thinking about what a fawning, detestable, pompous dirtbag they’re going to be even BEFORE they’re drunk.
“Everybody’s Irish on St. Patty’s day!” …. GAAAHHHH!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! The only thing worse than being around the kind of people who are out solely to enact the Irish stereotype is the fact that they congregate in brainless herds by the hundreds. They’re like zombies, only zombies are probably MORE bearable to be around. While standing at the bar for an hour while the girl in back of you is throwing up, the guy to your left just pissed his pants and the rest of the smarmy sacks are punching each other sounds fun, I’ll pass. Besides, I don’t trust gingers – they’re like people with 2 first names, something just feels wrong. It’s only a matter of time before you end up in a fight or have someone trying to bait you into one. Also, stay as far away from black people as possible if you’re out on Patty’s day (sorry, black people *sad face*). The Irish are inherently racist, so just being near somebody with a dark complexion almost ensures you’re getting punched in the face.
If I want to have a beer I’ll have one at home, I don’t need an excuse to act like a complete piece of shit – I make those calls on the fly. If I’m heading out for a drink I’ll make sure it’s on a night when the city’s skidmarks aren’t out to prove to me how much they suck. If you find yourself out on St. Patrick’s Day and you’re NOT part of the bedraggled cesspool, you are allowed to do whatever the hell you want to them. 1) They won’t remember and 2) even if they do – they’ll say they were blacked out because being blacked out gives you EXTRA bro points! EXPLODING FISTBUMP!! Finally, if at any point throughout the night you’re approached with, spoken to about or find somebody excitedly celebrating a green beer – you push that person down a flight of stairs because he or she is fucking awful!
Enjoy the hangover, assholes!
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Thank you for a clear description of the people I couldn’t stand last night. Yes, I am a college student surrounded by college students, but it is still obnoxious!
There is nothing wrong with being self-aware
or the motherfuckers who either pinch or punch you if you don’t wear green. I was one tap on my chest away from beating the shit out of any poor dicktard to cross my line of sight. that and a shitload of security gaurds and teachers(high school).
How appropriate is it that half the cops in this picture are black?
And why is it that on Saint Patrick’s Day in Chicago I saw not one but FIVE men in kilts? Since when did it turn into “pick a random British Isle and put on a theme costume, the more clownish the better”? Scotland isn’t Ireland. That’s why they have different names.