I recently saw a Buick commercial that said something to the effect of, “The average person has 3000 thoughts in any given day.” I’m calling bullshit. If this blog is evidence of anything, it’s that my thought process is about as aggressive and aimless as my golf swing. I’d like to say my brain is hyperactive like Charlie Sheen’s, but I don’t want to compare the two. I never come up with cool shit like “Tiger’s blood and Adonis DNA.” Instead, I wake up with ideas like ‘What if everybody were dressed like mascots?’ It’s not productive, slightly entertaining but incredibly annoying.
Company softball team picture
If you could imagine a Twitter or Facebook feed that’s constantly updated by people you don’t like with ideas you can’t stand – that’s how my brain operates 24/7.
For example:
In my office building the lights in the hallway automatically turn on as you walk by them; they’re on sensors. Imagine somebody as easily entertained as me with the imagination of a 6 year-old to boot. I want these lights everywhere. I want to walk into every room and having the light follow me everywhere I go. I would point to them as they turned on one by one in a gun motion. I’d probably raise my arms out, palms up in a god-like gesture on a daily basis as I walked through hallways – it would be badass.
I sometimes wonder what my dog would say if he called me at work. Would it be dog stuff, or would they be a lot more human than we’d imagine? Would it only be me who could understand him? “Hey Nick, bring home steaks or I’m ordering DirecTV porn. Yeah, tell your wife the dog did it, HAHAHA, idiot. Steaks, 2 of them. Porterhouse or I’m shitting in your pillowcase.” God that would suck, what an asshole.
Speaking of dogs, I was at a pet expo this weekend. If you ever have a chance to go to one of these, run in the opposite fucking direction. These events are crawling with people you wouldn’t even want to pass on the sidewalk, let alone interact with. I had my dog with me, a boxer, and everybody who saw him couldn’t wait to tell me their story of when they had a boxer. “Oh!! I had a boxer when I was 6, he was the greatest dog in the wor…” SHUT UP! I don’t know you and I don’t give a good god damn about your dog from 40 years ago. He probably broke his own hip so you’d put him down, as you are annoying enough to make a dog want to kill himself. If I could make my dog defecate on command your shoes would be covered in shit right now. Get away from me you crazy bitch, the cat exhibits are upstairs.
How quickly would I get to work if I drove in reverse the entire way? Would I get into an accident? Pulled over? If I got pulled over would I have to pull onto the shoulder in reverse, facing the squad car and watch him the whole time he’s writing my ticket? If I stopped to get coffee I’d probably have to crawl over the seat to pay and get it, fuck that, I’ll drive normally.
Sometimes I wonder how the idea of a top 25 station was pitched. “Listen, we want to play 25 songs over and over again, for weeks or months until newer, more trendy songs come out. Then we’ll play THOSE songs over and over again for weeks or months, etc…” The manager would HAVE to oppose at first, right? “Nobody would be dumb enough to keep listening to the same songs for weeks or months. That’s ridiculous.” BUT THEY DO!!! People listen to the same god damn songs repeatedly for months on end. Some stations even have vote-in shows, where you can call or text in your vote so that the field is narrowed to something like the top 10. Even dumber is that certain stations have things like the “Top 5 at 5″ – which means that at 5pm your field of uncreative talentless slime gets reduced by 80%!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?! “Ryan Seacrest here, bringing you your top 3 songs out of the only 25 that we play - kicking it off with Bruno Mars.” AAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To read this post probably took a few minutes, but this is the type of reel that plays in my head just from the time I walk from the bedroom to the bathroom in the morning. 3000 thoughts in a day is absurd, I’ll have 3000 by lunch. My wife used to ask me, “Whatchya thinkin’ about?” That shit ended promptly. If you’re ever talking to me and after a few minutes realize I haven’t heard a word you’ve said – it’s because I’m probably trying to figure out if the the future older version of me could defeat the younger teenage version of me in a fistfight… and how cool it would be if I could play that out on Xbox.
At any given time I can probably ramble off an entire list of thoughts that you OR I don’t care about, but they’re still up there and they can’t be silenced.
PET MONKEY’S FOR EVERYBODY!!
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
You rule.
Awesome. I’m so freaking glad I’m not the only one who pissed off by the top 25 bullshit, it’s so annoying I could really kill myself. It makes me want to rip the radio out of my car and stomp on it a few times.
“Get away from me you crazy bitch, the cat exhibits are upstairs.”
Why do people assume people that cat owners are insane? I mean, I have a cat and I’m insane, but that’s just a coincidence. I didn’t even decide to have a cat, she just sort of came with the apartment. What’s intrinsically kooky about owning a cat? To me it seems crazier to want a pet that you have to take outside to shit. Or something like a snake or a tarantula that could kill you.
Hahaha. Cats are an odd choice because they offer nothing back in return. They lay by themselves, are seemingly ALWAYS cranky, looking a you with utter contempt. It’s like having a shallow, annoying, wanna-be supermodel living with you. Plus they separate themselves into outdoor and indoor cats, and that’s just retarded. That means that there are stray cats out there somewhere that people have just kind of assigned themselves to. I own a dog, but I’m batshit crazy too, so this whole conversation may not have an ounce of merit.
Maybe all pet owners are insane?