Ever since I got married and moved up to Wisconsin I have seemingly surrendered the will to partake in any variety of physical activity. My reward is a robust waistline, closet full of clothes that don’t fit and the unique ability to sweat profusely after tying my shoes.
I’ve always been a big guy, but never THIS much of a bubbling pile of fat waste, and it makes me fucking sick. I love, *LOVE* making fun of fat people and it’s becoming increasingly more difficult and hypocritical for me to do so if I have to take deep, wheezing breathes in between every insult.
Believe it or not I actually DO know a good deal about nutrition, kinesiology and things that keep people thin, I’ve just ignored the shit out of them for the past 2 years, because that’s SOOO much easier. That being said, I’m tired of listening to people drone on and on about their new fad diets. Low carb, low fat, all protein, soup diet, cabbage diet, south beach, zone, Atkins… THEY’RE ALL BULLSHIT. Think of anybody you’ve ever met who went on one of these diets – did they lose weight? Probably. Did they keep it off? Not for long. If they did – wonderful, but the facts say they’re in the very, very small minority. These kinds of diets thrive on the very fact that they inevitably all fail, leaving you to buy all the shit again and start over. I’ll be practicing the “Don’t be a worthless, fat turd – Use Common Sense” diet. Small every-day changes that will allow me to still live like a normal person and not a famished, aspiring-to-be Ethiopian. I still like food, so I refuse to live off of chicken and water for the rest of my life. If this shit works maybe I’ll post my method, maybe not… I’m pretty lazy.
The worst part about most people is that we’re all reluctant to be honest with ourselves when it matters most. I guess that’s where I separate myself from the herd (ha! accidental pun!). I’m selfish, arrogant, over-proud and a fat gluttonous embarrassment to myself. The latter is one I can’t deal with, I have become everything I hate.
With an idea inspired by a favorite writer of mine, Drew Magary, I am going to tweet my weight (#tweetyourweight) every week in order to keep myself honest. At first this seemed daunting but it’s not like my weight is REALLY a secret. It’s already blatantly obvious to anybody within eyeshot of me that I’m a big fat piece of shit, and I know that I’m a big fat piece of shit… so assigning a number to it doesn’t really change a whole hell of a lot.
I welcome and encourage any/all insults or support in the comments. Either way it’s a win for me as support is generally encouraging and insults trigger the “fuck you, you’re wrong!” response that’s so firmly implanted in my brain’s synapses. Besides, nobody likes to fail in front of everybody and pseudo-autocratic assholes like me hate the idea of looking like a dipshit publicly. (The photo above is of me before a brat eating contest in the endzone at Soldier Field… fitting)
For the first entry: #tweetyourweight 289.8.
My goal will be 220 pounds.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
At least you won the brat eating contest?? Nice post…Best of Luck!
Damn right I did!
I’m praying for your diet to work. –snicker–
/shakes fist
Warrior Dash is quickly approaching. It’s almost time to get outside and train
Only if we can go to Russia and walk with planks of wood on our backs through the mountains like in Rocky IV. I’m already growing a playoff beard so it’ll be perfect.
I’ll get the mix tape ready
I got motivated to loose weight after another male commented on my “titties”.
Yes… being fat is pathetic unless you have a good reason like you were “forced” to eat that half gallon of chocolate ice cream every night and that you “never have time” to exercise while watching your favorite reality TV show.